Monday, July 2, 2012

Issues. It's about to get deep yo.

Why do I run?  Why do I train to run races? What the heck is this all about anyway???  Well imma gonna tell ya...

I first started running out of sheer heartache and pain.  With no other means to escape, I ran.  Ran away. Figuratively of course.
I had a young child at an early age, a terrible divorce (which has it's own sad story but I won't get into that) with a trail of not so healthy, hazordous relationships.  Including one horrendous one by which I was not only lied to but totally decived on every level...but I won't go into that either.  I just wanted to be loved. By someone. Anyone. My father wasn't in the first part of my life. So I begged for acceptance. (He has made a wonderful effort since my 20s to be apart of my life which has been answer to prayer!) Spent many nights crying myself to sleep from lonliness, heartache and pain. I felt that I was the most worthless human being on the face of the planet. I didn't go to college, felt like a dummy who was no good at anything, felt like a complete failure at motherhood, made terrible decisions (still do that on occasion...but I chalk that up to being human) both relationaly and finacially, never finished any kind of project (think MaryKay cosmetics failure.ugh.) .... One day I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and went out for a run. It was an angry run I believe. I was what my sister would call, a "hot mess".... I was angry for being a total wreck. Angry for being lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of...I was ticked. And then I got this incredible high like nothing else. God was talking to me. Reminding me of the strength I held inside.
So I signed up for the Reindeer Run 5k. And then I trained with whatever time and resources I had to work with.  I checked out running books from the library and researched all I could.
For the first time in my life I had began a project and finished it to the end. And it felt AMAZING to cross that finish line!!  I had accomplished SOMETHING.  Of course the Lord is the only one to completely fill a void in life. I believe He strengthens me by the power He sustains in my legs, lungs and heart.
Why did I choose now to bring this all up?  Because as I find myself less than 48 hours away from my first 10k, I'm feeling like a nervous wreck.  I keep questioning myself.  Doubting myself. So by questioning myself I decided I needed to go back to the basics.
Why do I run?
I started running because it freed me from pain. It gave me confidence.  Because it renews my spirit. 
I'm not a serious athlete. But I'm serious about my faith. And that's where my perspective needs to be.  Not on winning a medal (although one day that would totally be cool!) or being a hard core allstar runner. But on being the mother God's called me to be. Being the woman I need to be to change my little corner of this world.
I will race on July 4th in honor of a friend and all those who fight for our freedom. I will run because God has blessed me with two healthy strong legs. I will smile because my family will be there to cheer me on in love. This my friends...is what it truly means to run.
Freedom. Strength. Confidence.

Why do you run?

1 comment:

  1. I think the best of us well like that sometimes and it is amazing that you found such a productive outlet for your feelings.You are a great mother and I do not know why you would ever question yourself on that. You are really an inspiration for others and I know that you will do fantastic tomorrow!

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Thanks for the love :~)